I know what you are thinking, why would anyone write to a comedian about solving personal problems? or Advice ? or anything for that Matter. While I may not have any credentials which qualify me to dispense advice at a professional level, I consider myself a top seeded amatuer so , in 500 words or less. Go ahead ask me anything if I can Help, I will.

PLEASE NOTE:

I am a very direct Person. I am about as subtle as a chainsaw. If you want answers to a real problem or any advice then please write in. I’m not going to sugar coat it, or spoon feed it to you, and under no circumstance will you get offended, take it personally, or take me seriously.

QUESTION:

Jimmy,

I hope this e mail finds you in good spirits, I need some help. My girl and I are going to be in San Francisco for a few days and I have never been there, I know you have worked there and I was wondering if you had any recommendations. I really like this girl and I want to impress her. Describe for me in your own words what would a great day or the perfect day be like in San Francisco if you were in my situation.

Signed – in desperate need of a tour guide

JIMMY’S RESPONSE:

Fair enough. This is a great question because San Francisco is one of my Favorite Cities; I have walked all over that town. Let me pre-qualify there is so much to do in San Francisco and your perfect day, may not be my perfect day. I like to go out and take a city in like a nice meal instead of all the touristy stuff. I am just saying… Here’s what I would do (sorry this isn’t going to be that funny,  but it will make for a killer afternoon.)

I would start My day off at Mommas ( on Washington Square) 1701 Stockton Street and Get an unbelievable breakfast this place has been in the Family for 50 years and Like all good breakfast places there is always a line out the door so go about 10:00-10:30 and Miss the morning rush, You will not be disappointed!!

Then I would jump in a Cab and go to the city’s scenic most western edge and sit down and digest my breakfast as I watched parasailing nutbags and Kayakers on Ocean Beach , while I breathed in the Ocean Air, now after your done filling your mind with beauty

flag another cab and Cruise through Golden Gate Park, and watch for the freaks because San Francisco has a lot of them, stopping to catch a glimpse of the Bison paddock and the City’s thousand pound pets that would make a lot of Bison Burgers. Bison Meat is a lean meat and is really good for you, I get them at Trader Joe’s all the time.

Zip up to the top of the observation tower at de young Museum for a kick ass 360 degree view of San Fran’s Hilly topography. I have been in Cabs and the streets are so steep I feel like I am in a Roller Coaster, The bottom falls out of my stomach …No Joke.

Then hike over to Haight Street, ground Zero for the peace, pot, and beatnik movement of the 60’s and it is still a grungy, crunchy, youthful strip with legions of Vintage shops including Amoeba Music (1855 Haight Street). They have one in LA also, it is one of the Countries best and last record shops. I don’t know about you but I could kill a couple hours in a place like this.

For lunch, I would go to the Magnolia Pub Brewery.  Local, seasonal, and organic and you can sample all three in locally brewed beer, Asparagus, and Rabbit Sausage 1398 Haight Street and its right down the street.

After lunch I would walk over to Alamo Square Park to see the iconic “Painted Ladies” a row of colorful Victoria houses made famous in the opening credits of “Full House” with Bob Saget

Then to finish my afternoon I would pop in to the 18th Century Mission Dolores Chapel the Oldest building in the City, for a history lesson take the tour through the Adobe building. Then outside to the cemetery where so of the City’s oldest leaders were buried.

Then Home for a Nap,  and I would get ready for my shows that Night at the Punchline Comedy Club located at 444 Battery Street ( they also have another club in Sacramento ) and we haven’t even gotten to The Wharf, Alcatraz, The Golden Gate Bridge, The Coit Tower, Cable Cars, North Beach I mean possibilities are endless. Just bring a Jacket because it gets chilly even in the Summer time. Enjoy your trip!!

Disclaimer: Jimmy Shubert is a professional comedian and an actor and is just as fucked up as everyone else, and has no self-help credentials to speak of.

QUESTION:

Jimmy,

I am 18 and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him. We have known each other since grade school and he always was kind of shy and reserved. Why won’t he speak to me, let alone date me? I need some help.

Signed – confused in Des Moines

JIMMY’S RESPONSE:

What were you expecting, the extended stay one night stand? I also think it’s cute you haven’t figured out how to use your vagina yet. I hope you at least got dinner out of the deal. I know your young and have this Utopian vision of love. You think life is a Walt Disney Movie and you and this two pump chump you went to grade school with were supposed to live happily ever after. The reality is you gave him the Pussy and now he’s done!

I am just saying… He got what he wanted, so fuck you and your feelings. Move on and make sure to learn from this experience. He might be embarrassed because he wasn’t good, maybe you were a dead fuck and maybe he’s just making up for all those awkward years in Grade School. He’s probably not mature enough to let you know that you were just a reciprocal for his Toddler Juice and that is all …You might as well be a human tissue for all he is concerned. I know that seems like a horrible thing to say but next time make him earn it!

Disclaimer: Jimmy Shubert is a professional comedian and an actor and is just as fucked up as everyone else, and has no self-help credentials to speak of.

QUESTION:

Jimmy,

My Family is really crazy, and the Holidays are tough because everyone believes something different. My Aunt is a Catholic. My sister’s husband is a Buddhist, my mom believes in Wicca Goddess and my big brother doesn’t believe in God at all. My boyfriend is a Methodist. During holidays there is always some argument on beliefs. Any suggestions on how to get together and steer the conversation to other things?

Signed – Hoping for a Happy Holiday

JIMMY’S RESPONSE:

Honey everyone’s family is really crazy. You are not alone. This sounds really tough, a bunch of progressive assholes messing up the holidays. Christmas (Jesus’ birth), Hanukkah (the festival of lights), Kwanzaa (being together with your family and peace) the latter didn’t start till 1963. Whatever else someone may believe, Buddhists, Atheist, and I will be god damned if Hallmark doesn’t have a Card for it. ” Merry Christmahanzakwanica You Fucking Heathens” They probably don’t know it bothers you or how much time you will spend in therapy later in life getting over your fucked up family situation. Just remember it could always be worse.

I am just saying… Isn’t it funny everyone has enough religion to hate each other no one has enough religion to Love each other. Which is kind of missing the point.

Disclaimer: Jimmy Shubert is a professional comedian and an actor and is just as fucked up as everyone else, and has no self-help credentials to speak of.